blog Posts

Lena Agree, JD, PsyDLena Agree, JD, PsyD

Blog

What is attachment?

What is attachment?

By

Attachment refers to an innate, unconscious system that tells you from infancy, that you must stay close to your primary caregiver(s) (usually your parents, particularly your mother) because you need them to protect you from physical danger, illness and overwhelming emotional distress (Bowlby 1988). This is what makes little kids cling to their mothers in public places. They just know, “Mom keeps me alive.” This isn’t learned behavior; it’s more like an instinct. It gets “turned on” in response to real or perceived threats to your survival and well-being, such as when you’re tired, hungry, or frightened, or separated from your parents. Mothers have their own biological system, called the care-giving system, that encourages mom to respond to the child’s…

Read More
What’s Wrong with a Diagnosis?

What’s Wrong with a Diagnosis?

By

What’s Wrong with a Diagnosis? If you’ve been struggling with symptoms of anxiety, depression, or other mental health concerns, you may have tried to diagnose yourself in an effort to understand what’s going on. This can be helpful, but it doesn’t help you understand why you feel this way. In the realm of mental health, a diagnosis fails to provide enough information and can even be misleading. Psychiatric diagnoses are labels determined by a list of symptoms that are mostly behavioral, meaning, they describe things you’re doing or not doing (like sleeping, or eating). Most diagnoses require a threshold number of symptoms, such as four out of nine. This means a single diagnosis can encompass many – even dozens –…

Read More
Do You Have Toxic Parents?

Do You Have Toxic Parents?

By

Most people describe their childhood as “normal.”  We tend to normalize our own childhood because it’s the only one we had, and we truly want to have a loving relationship with our parents. However, that wish can be so powerful that it clouds our memory and our vision, making it difficult to see our parents clearly and objectively. So, if you are an adult who is depressed or anxious, how do you know if your relationship with your parents has something to do with it? You may or may not have negative memories of your parents from childhood. But how can you tell if your current relationship with them is healthy or “normal”? How would you know if your desire…

Read More
Seeking Greater Intimacy? Think About Sex.

Seeking Greater Intimacy? Think About Sex.

By

Try this experiment: Place your full attention on something  sexual for several minutes and then think about it for a little while. Afterwards, take notice if you seem to be more talkative. New research cited in a recent article by Elizabeth Bernstein says you will be. And, notably, it suggests that you will also be more inclined to reveal aspects of yourself to those with whom you converse. Apparently, thinking about sex motivates us to seek connection with others by making us chattier about ourselves. The cycle of emotional intimacy According to Dr. Birnbaum, the studies’ lead researcher, “Thinking about sex starts a positive cycle of emotional intimacy: When you think about sex and then disclose personal information, the other person likes you more. If the attraction…

Read More
How Therapy Saved Princess Diana’s Son

How Therapy Saved Princess Diana’s Son

By

For 20 years Prince Harry, the late Princess Diana’s younger son, tried to ignore the overwhelming emotions he experienced as a result of his mother’s death. Neither heavy partying, nor active military service in Afghanistan could help him contain his feelings. As he describes, “After 20 years of not thinking about it and 2 years of total chaos,” he finally sought therapy. It helped him so much, that he and his family embarked on a campaign to promote therapy in England (#Headstogether). This  video clip briefly recounts his experience.

Read More
The Well-Parented Teen: Parenting Teenagers with Understanding and Curiosity

The Well-Parented Teen: Parenting Teenagers with Understanding and Curiosity

By

Your child’s brain grows until about age 24. During the teenage years, the brain undergoes vast neurological changes. Parenting teenagers through this storm of dramatic mood swings and behavior shifts may sometimes seem impossible. The good news is you don’t have to be an expert. If you take an active interest in your teen’s mental experience, and seek to understand him with sensitivity and genuine curiosity, you will maintain access to his internal world while contributing to his emotional resilience. Engage, empathize, investigate Perhaps the most important step you can take when you notice distress in your child is to stop what you are doing, give her your full attention, and empathize with her feelings. (This does not require you to agree with the reasons, or even fully understand them). Put your own emotional reactions aside and…

Read More
Could the Man in your Life be Depressed? (and what does it mean for you?)

Could the Man in your Life be Depressed? (and what does it mean for you?)

By

Do you suspect that a man in your life may be depressed? Unlike women, who are often sad or weepy when depressed, men typically exhibit anger, irritability or complain of “stress.” This is in addition to other depressive symptoms, including loss of interest or pleasure; either sluggishness or agitation; change in sleep, appetite or concentration; feelings of guilt or worthlessness and recurrent thoughts of death. Five or more of these symptoms for 2 consecutive weeks could signal major depressive disorder. The attached article briefly explains depression in men, how to identify it, and how to sensitively encourage the man in your life to seek help. Excluded from the article is the fact that depressive symptoms aren’t limited to the bouts of moodiness described…

Read More
The False Promise of Forgiveness

The False Promise of Forgiveness

By

People often come to my office wishing to forgive someone, but feeling unsettled because despite their efforts, it hasn’t happened, and they are frustrated and confused. Their distress over forgiveness often brings to mind my favorite quote on the subject: My frame of mind is most peaceful. My wishes are: a modest hut, a thatched roof, but a good bed, good food, milk and butter – very fresh, flowers in front of my window, beautiful trees outside my door and if the good Lord wishes to make me completely happy, he lets me have the joy of seeing hanged on those trees about six or seven of my enemies. Deeply moved, I shall forgive them before they die, all the…

Read More
What is Great Sex (Part 2)

What is Great Sex (Part 2)

By

In Part 1 of this article, I reviewed a study of individuals who characterized their sex lives as “great.” [1] In that study, researchers interviewed SM practitioners, people over age 65 in long-term relationships, and professional sex therapists. They then extrapolated from their descriptions six components of optimal sex. Part 1 of this article examined the first three: Presence, Authenticity and Intense emotional connection. Here I discuss the remaining three: Sexual and Erotic intimacy, Communication and Transcendence. As in Part 1, the following italicized descriptions are excerpts from the study (numbered headings are mine).             Participants spoke about the importance of a deep sense of caring for one another, regardless of the duration of the relationship; getting to know the…

Read More
What is great sex? (Part 1)

What is great sex? (Part 1)

By

I have a question for you . . . . .       Can you recall the best sex you ever had? What made it great? Chances are it wasn’t the technique you read in Cosmo or GQ. It was likely something less tangible – perhaps indescribable. The definition of great sex has been largely ignored by the scientific community. However, one study stands out as a conscientious attempt to explore this important topic.[1] In it, researchers interviewed 3 divergent groups of people, all of whom characterized their sex lives as “great”: (a) SM practitioners (people who practice consensual sexual bondage, domination, sadism and masochism), (b) Individuals over age 65 in long-term relationships, and (c) Sex therapists. Despite obvious differences…

Read More